


almost home

by impossibleaims



Series: mxmtoon songs [5]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Theatre, Angst, Domestic Fluff, F/F, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Lesbian Sex, Musicals, Nightmares, Past Relationship(s), Sleepy Cuddles, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:27:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24145120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impossibleaims/pseuds/impossibleaims
Summary: when jackie manages to get a place in her local theatre group, she's thrilled. all excitement fades when her girlfriend leaves her broken after she finds out jackie is leaving for tour. its up to jan to pick up the pieces and help jackie love again.tw for past abusive relationships and nightmares
Relationships: Jackie Cox/Jan Sport
Series: mxmtoon songs [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1722625
Comments: 3
Kudos: 34





	almost home

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys! this will be the last piece in the songfic series,thank you for all the love and support! reminder to go stream mxmtoons new ep lol. hope you all enjoy, please be aware that this fic talks about the aftereffects of an abusive relationship, please don't read this if your sensitive to that subject! your mental health matters more <3
> 
> lowercase intended, enjoy :)

_'i was just a_ _kid_   
_dreams were looking big and then I had to grow up.'_

6 year old jackie's dream was to be on tour and travel the world with friends, enjoying every minute of it and sightseeing all the best tourist attractions. when she was taken on board by the local theatre company, she was ridiculously excited.

and not just because of the strikingly beautiful, blonde haired girl that she met on the first day.

her name was jan, and she was the prettiest girl jackie had ever seen. her long hair flowed down to the bottom of her back and there was a permanent smile plastered on her face. jackie thought that it must have hurt her, but despite that the smile never faltered. she was professional, but knew how to have fun with the other cast members. when jackie walked through the door with heightened anxiety, her eyes were instantly drawn to the bubbly girl jogging around to make sure everyone was okay. when jan touched her hand and lead her over to a spare group, she felt as though she had been struck by lightning.

jan broke the news to her two days later, that she had gotten a main role. the smile that lighted jackie's face was unmissable, and it made jan run over and hug her tightly, only allowing jackie's smile to grow.

_'no one ever says_   
_all the love you give might not be enough.'_

three weeks into rehearsals, the group of girls were invited to tour america and perform their musical. jackie was completely thrilled about this. her girlfriend at the time? not so much.

when she told her about the year long tour, she expected praises: "wow i'm so proud of you!" or "you are gonna have such an amazing time! i'll call you everyday!" instead she was met with smashed picture frames and screaming, a cold, empty bed and an hollow feeling in the pit of her stomach.

it was no surprise when she showed up at jan's door, messy, knotted hair from running her fingers through it too many times and puffy eyes, mascara lines violently smudged down her face.

"oh jackie," jan engulfed her in a hug, heart breaking when she tensed at first. she brought her inside with the gentle reassurances and a comforting hand never leaving the small of her back, carefully nudging her onto the counter in the bathroom and grabbing some makeup wipes. every time she raised her hand to wipe away the remnants of the foundation (most of it had been wiped away from her tears), she noticed jackie trying not to flinch away.

"we broke up," jackie's voice was croaky and she only had the energy to whisper. "she didn't like the idea of tour. we fought for a while. she's gone jan." if jackie still had the energy, she would have been sobbing at this point, but she just closed her eyes and let jan hug her again, listening to her soft reassurances that never stopped. it made jackie feel a lot safer than before, and she didn't want to leave jan's warm arms.

jan carried her to bed, embracing her gently as the two fell asleep, jackie forgetting about the argument as soon as she was lied against jan's chest, the rising and falling lulling her straight to sleep. she left the next morning before jan had time to wake up, leaving an apology note for coming so late and a thank you note to appreciate jan's care taking.

the next day, the two saw each other again at rehearsals and jackie couldn't help but notice how jan's hand occasionally reached down to hers from time to time, always keeping a close eye on her.

_'broke my heart in two a couple times_   
_before it hurt too much.'_

jackie didn't get another girlfriend after that. she didn't sleep over at jan's again either. they stayed close during rehearsals, messaged each other some nights, but they mainly kept their friendship casual. the night wasn't spoken of again, however jackie knew jan was well aware of how she flinched during argument scenes, because afterwards jan's hand would interlace jackie's with a reassuring squeeze.

her sleeping had become almost nonexistent, only falling into a fitful sleep for a few hours per night. it was different without someone sleeping next to her, and it prevented her from getting a proper nights sleep. it was fine when she was at home, waking herself up with enough black coffee to fill a bathtub and being able to cover up her dark circles with an endless amount of concealer, but when tour came around it became a lot harder to mask her fatigue.

it was jan who noticed first.

they shared a room on the tour bus, which was split into four sections with two beds in each. jackie had opted to share with jan, knowing she was the person she was closest to, and jan had no complaints.

the second night, jan knew that there was something wrong. she could hear sniffles coming from the small camp bed opposite her, struggling breaths resonating through the box room.

"jackie? is that you sweetheart?" jan's voice was a soft whisper, and it made jackie look up for a split second before hiding her face from embarrassment.

_'i was such a fool_   
_didn't know the rules of playing make believe_   
_didn't know that getting old would come and meet me.'_

she couldn't believe she was crying over a silly nightmare. she was almost thirty, and now jan had woken up due to her panic. her thoughts were interrupted by jan again, asking her to come over to her bed. she did as jan asked, of course. jackie wouldn't admit it, but she was smitten with the younger girl.

when she found herself wrapped up in jan's arms, all fear melted away, however her breathing still came out in hiccups. she couldn't help but push herself closer to jan, as if she was her own personal safety blanket. the hug felt familiar and comfortable and jackie was too scared it would end. jan didn't protest, just holding her tightly and occasionally whispering comforts in her ear to slow her breathing. when jackie had calmed down, she finally spoke up in a soft tone.

"jackie, what was that about?"

"i still dream about her, the arguments. i haven't been sleeping without her next to me. i don't like being alone." her speech was all over the place, latching onto jan tighter at the mention of her past relationship. seeing jackie so vulnerable made jan upset, and she knew she had to do something about it.

"your so brave you know? braver and stronger than you think. and you should've come to me if you were struggling sleeping, we can sleep together throughout the whole tour as long as it means you get some sleep." she kissed her forehead reassuringly, before murmuring soft comforts against her dark hair; "my brave girl, your so amazing. i'll keep you safe all night, catch up on some sleep."

despite feeling safer in jan's arms, she still couldn't manage to fall asleep, the past nightmares haunting her. she looked up at jan shyly, knowing that she wanted to ask something.

"jan?"

"yes honey?"

"don't laugh." at this, jan took jackie's head in her hands, lifting it up with a finger underneath her chin before pressing her forehead against hers. she looked her dead in the eyes before replying."i wouldn't dream of it jackie."

"could you sing to me?"

jan smiled down at her, pulling her under the warm blankets and holding her tight. she was too precious for her own good, and there was no way jan could deny her. she'd do anything if it meant jackie would have a good nights sleep for the first time in weeks.

"of course. my mama used to sing this to me whenever i couldnt sleep."

_'just close your eyes_   
_soon we'll be home_   
_fall asleep to the radio.'_

jan's soothing voice and the white noise from outside forced jackie's heavy eyes to close within a few seconds. the whole theatre group was talented, but there was no denying that jan's voice was the best out of them all. her hand smoothed her hair, feeling her trembles cease after a few minutes. jackie's body grew heavy in her arms, but she never stopped the singing or comforts.

_'strangers pass by_   
_red, green, and gold_   
_i wonder what they're all waiting for.'_

a small part of jackie didn't want to fall asleep again, not wanting to experience yet another nightmare. but being in jan's arms made her feel protected, and despite the fact she was clinging onto her oversized flannel like a lifeline, she felt a whole lot safer wrapped up against her chest. a part of her felt guilty for waking her up and invading her small camp bed, but whenever she looked up to jan, the soft, reassuring smile that lighted her face melted away all her past worries.

_'just close your eyes_   
_just close your eyes.'_

it didn't take more than two minutes for jackie to fall into a perfect slumber, uninterrupted and feeling completely at ease. she didn't wake up until late next morning, still feeling the warmth from jan next to her. all the memories from the previous night resurfaced, but surprisingly she wasn't embarrassed. in fact, her head was clearer than ever before, after the best nights sleep she'd had in weeks. she didn't want to leave jan's side, instead she opted for snuggling closer into the blue plaid flannel that was never off the blonde girls back.

none of the girls interrupted the two; it was their day off and it didn't seem fair, especially when they saw how content jackie looked. they had all noticed jackie's mental well-being swiftly declining after the break up, so seeing the relaxed expression that rested on her face was a nice change.

jan woke up soon after jackie, but didn't move away. she just let jackie rest against her, stroking her hair just like she had done previously as a sign she was awake. jackie looked up to jan as soon as she felt movement, a sleepy smile still present. "how do you feel jacks?"

"hmm. better with you here," she looked up at her sheepishly, not knowing how to phrase her next question. "can you, uh, stay with me? again, tonight. i mean, if you want to, of course. if not that's totally fine, i can sleep alo-"

she was cut off by jan pressing a kiss to her lips, jackie almost squeaking at the sudden contact. fireworks practically erupted between the both of them, and jackie surprisingly leant into the kiss. it was passionate and gentle, jan resting her arms around her neck. they broke apart, despite jackie wanting to stay like that forever, and let jan rest her head against jackie's hair. jan was slightly taller than her, making hugs a lot more comfortable for the dark haired persian that she'd somehow fallen in love with.

"don't be silly jackie, of course ill stay with you. i promised last night didn't i? i'll stay with you forever."

they relaxed back into the small camp bed, which would usually be uncomfortable but the two of them made it work. the two stayed like that for the rest of the day, happily tucked up under jan's abundance of blankets, watching the raindrops slip down the window.

_'living day to day_   
_weeks become the same_   
_everything's a blur.'_

tour continued on, the two girls never leaving each others side, whether they were cuddling on the sofa or interlacing hands during practice. when jan would get particularly nervous before performances, jackie would hold her reassuringly, just as jan would do for her every night.

their routine never stopped, both girls settling into jan's bed every night and spooning until they fell asleep (jan would usually spoon jackie, but on nights where a performance hadn't gone as smooth as they had expected, jan would be safely tucked away in jackie's arms). nightmares still occurred occasionally, but every time jackie would leap up in fright, jan was there to settle her back down and send her straight back to sleep. she would sing the same song every time, the one her own mother would sing whenever she'd wake up in a panic, and it seemed to work almost every time.

jackie's flinching became nonexistent around jan, falling into a state of pure trust whenever she was around. their eyes would meet on stage and jan's face would light up at the sight of jackie dancing and acting with all her hearts content. the two dreaded the thought of ending the tour and having jackie fall back into horrible sleeping routines, so they decided that jackie would move into jan's house as soon as it was all over.

and the promise didn't go to waste, as soon as tour finished jan and jackie were driven by heidi (who would have complained usually, but the sight of the two happy together made all the snarky comments about being a personal taxi driver die on her tongue), to gather up jackie's belongings and taking them both home.

the move made her anxious, and jan could see it on her face the first night they climbed in bed together, jackie wearing one of jan's flannels she had stolen from the wardrobe because the scent comforted her. after around 10 minutes of shuffling around, jan noticed that there was something wrong. "tell your brain to be quiet, i can hear it thinking."

jackie chuckled at her girlfriends tired voice, shimmying closer to her and resting a head on her chest, hoping that the familiarity would help her sleep. this wasn't the case, and it made her sigh loudly.

"what if this ends like my previous relationship?"

jan was offended at first, shooting up into a sitting position and spinning around to face jackie, but when she saw her flinch ever so slightly all her disbelief melted away, instead replaced with concern. "why on earth would you think that? you know i wouldn't hurt you jacks, i love you."

tears began to fill jackie's eyes, making her practically tackle into a tight hug. "i'm sorry, it's just," she tried to swallow back her tears, feeling jan's hand rub soothing circles around her back. "i love you, and i don't want this to turn... bad. i'm sorry, i'm sorry."

jan's mouth practically fell to the floor, hugging her close and wiping the few stray tears that had managed to fall. "oh sweetheart," she let jackie cling onto her, kissing her cheeks where tears had previously fell. "i would never, you don't need to apologise, your amazing for going through all that, and you'll never have to go through it again, because i'm here, i'm here, don't you worry anymore."

after a few minutes of calming shushes from jan, making jackie's trembling stop as soon as the reassurances fell from her lips.

"now, i have an idea, lie down with me." the two collapsed into the double bed, jackie still clinging onto her and jan never stopping her soft words. "let me sing to you again, and you can fall asleep in my arms."

jackie hummed sleepily, exhaustion taking over and letting jan's soft voice lull her to sleep.

_'just close your eyes_   
_soon we'll be home_   
_fall asleep to the radio"_   
_strangers pass by_   
_red, green, and gold_   
_i wonder what they're all waiting for.'_

before she let sleep wash over her, she had one last conscious thought before finally letting soft snores escape her;

'she would always feel safe with jan at her side. '

_Just close your eyes_   
_Just close your eyes.'_


End file.
